Too Late to Run?

10 May

So baby boy is due on Saturday. The clock is ticking and in some ways I am eager to meet him. Eager to have my body back (well my new post baby body), eager to not feel nauseous anymore, eager to not feel like I have a bowling ball stuck between my legs and eager to get on with life after the ride the last 9 months has been. Eager, at this particular moment, to have just a taste of a gin & tonic on a summer patio. Well maybe a teeny bit more than a taste.

However, in some ways I am getting a little apprehensive that this child actually needs to come out of my body. I want to have a natural birth. Picturing it as a joyous, yet painful experience, which I am able to get through with a strong mind and body connection. It has been a mix of emotions, a roller coaster ride, throughout the pregnancy. The joys of feeling him kick and move, then the realization and bizarre thought that something is actually growing inside me. As a yoga teacher I am used to be in tune with my mind and body. I am used to being in control of my minds thoughts and also have worked very hard in letting things go that I cannot control. However, pregnancy has been a whole new challenge.

The ups of the excitement of what’s to come, with the downs of feeling sore, achy and mentally not feeling like my true self. I guess where I have struggled is the fact that I am changing. I am changing from one Amanda to another Amanda. The old Amanda is used to taking care of herself, feeding her own needs, wants & desires. The new Amanda continues to love and support her wonderful husband. The new Amanda who is nurturing and taking care of another human being. A human being that I cannot give back at the end of the work day, take a sick day from or book vacation away from (without organizing childcare and then worrying about what he is doing while I am away and if he is okay). The new Amanda of trying to still find time to be herself, do the things she enjoys and balance it all.

So part of me is ready for this baby, I am finished being pregnancy and ready for the next step. This being said from the mommy to be who is sitting on her stability ball in a squatting position, extremely uncomfortable from the pelvic pressure, but wishfully hoping that I will continue to dilate past 2cm in a fast manner and not be stuck here for another 10 days. Another part of me is wondering am I ready for what is to come next? Wondering if I am selfish for wondering if I will ever have a spare moment to myself again without having to worry about another individual.

To all the wonderful mommies out there, did you ever feel this way while you were pregnant? What thoughts were floating through your mind as the time approached for the big day?

5 Responses to “Too Late to Run?”

  1. Amy May 10, 2010 at 7:39 pm #

    I thought this would be a post about running as in jogging! Ha!Trust yourself, Amanda. Trust your body to do what it needs to do to birth you baby during labour and to feed your baby once he's born. Trust your heart to love him in a way that the you'll find yourself asking how on earth you ever lived -that old way- before him.

  2. Vicky May 12, 2010 at 12:22 am #

    I think it is fair to say that you will always worry about this child. There is never a day that goes by that I am not worrying about something or other with my children (as I am sure my mother continues to worry about me!) That's part of motherhood. I remember asking a coworker when I was pregnant with my son (who's now 3 1/2), how do I make sure that he turns out to be a good person? She gave me some good advice, she said to just be ME and he'll learn what he needs to. You ARE ready for what's to come once he is here, just as we all are. Like Amy said, you have to trust your instincts. There are always times, while raising children, that we question ourselves – could I have done that better, or differently? Should I have done that at all? But part of being a mother is figuring it out as you go, and learning from your mistakes when you need to. Don't be afraid to ask questions and for help when you need to. We all do! You'll be great!!

  3. Shannon May 12, 2010 at 1:23 am #

    haha! I too thought this was going to be about jogging…and I was going to say do it! I ran until my last week, lol!There's no turning back now, hasn't been for a while! As I waited for the big day I kept muttering to myself, better out than in. Just remember, whatever happens during labor/delivery, the end result is exactly the same and it won't change the fact that you have a brand new baby boy. You'll excel at everything, doing what comes naturally. Don't second guess yourself, and do not let others make you feel bad for your choices/decisions. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. That's my motto. And you know what? So far it's worked. :)Good luck Amanda! Can't wait to hear your great news.

  4. Annie May 14, 2010 at 1:24 am #

    I can vividly remember feeling the same way just over 5 years ago. So eager & yet so apprehensive…I think one of the best quotes I've ever heard about motherhood is: it is just like having your heart walking around outside your some reason the google account is reading as Annie but it's actually her mama, Jesse!

  5. Chantal May 14, 2010 at 2:07 am #

    I remember feeling the same way. I was so ready. Ready for the baby, ready for a natural birth. I was in the zone. I didn't get my natural birth the first time around (I finally got it with my 3rd child and it was amazing). What I always tell people who ask me is to be ready and open to anything. Yes labour hurts, but it is an amazing experience. And if after a few minutes or hours you decide that an epidural is the way to go you can do so without guilt. It is your choice and only yours. It is labour, drugs or no. I can't wait to hear about your little guy. I have 3 boys and I still love hearing baby birth stories. I hope to meet him some day at book club :)Sending good labour vibes your way!

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