The Post I Wish I Never Had To Write…..

26 Oct

The words sometimes just play over & over in my head.  “Daniel was killed in a car accident.”  I know the family member who had to inform me of this horrble and tragic situation did not like the job he had of informing us. But somebody had to be the one to make that call.  I was home still in my pyjamas, full of a cold, waiting patiently for my husband to get home so I could have a rest and hopefully feel better soon.  I was catching up on episodes of Grey’s Anatomy & Desperate Housewives throughout the day while babe snuggled with me, played in his exersaucer and napped.

I was in shock, immediately decided it was a good idea to call all the places I teach and let them know to get my classes covered. I know this did not need to be a prioritybut how are you supposed to think when you have just found out your brother is dead.  He is dead, no longer here…..how digusting it feels to have to say those words and then sadness sets in and it makes it hard to breath.

I got hot. Hot from pacing room to room to think of what I may need to pack to stay at my parents for a while.  Then I got sick to my stomach.  I laid my innocent and loving baby on the floor beside the toilet as I threw up.  I kept saying to the baby that everything was okay, we loved him, mommy was sorry she couldn’t hold him right now but that she didn’t feel well.  Adam was on his way to be with us but I knew it was going to take a while for him to get home with traffic.

I then cried.  I sat on my bed hugging my baby with tears streaming down my face one after the other.  How did this happen? When did it happen? Where did it happen? Why did it happen?  Why not somebody else? OMG my parents, how are my parents. My heart broke for my parents as I looked at my child and knew the sadness a parent must endure was incomprehensible to me.  What would happen next? When would my sister be able to fly in? I thought, “OMG I can’t believe this has happened.  I feel sick again.”

The next few days were long, tiring and days I wanted to wipe away like it never happened.  Wanted everything back to normal.   Everytime I looked at my child my heart broke for my parents. I apologized profusely to them that this horrible situation ever happened. I wish I could take it away. I wish it was a horrible nightmare.  Horrible to say but sometimes I feel like I wish it happened to somebody elses family.  I know these were and are normal emotions to experience.

The media called, people came, food was brought, arrangements were made, I continued to nurture my child and try to keep myself together.  Answers are not all fully known and we were told that it could take up to 6 months for a full report.  There are so many questions that may never get answered, about the situation, about when we were finally informed, and the how it all happened with any evidence that is present.  I often wonder what was going through his mind right before it happend. I wonder if he knew how much I loved him, how proud I was of his hard working and kind nature, what an amazing uncle he was going to be and how I had pictured his life 5, 10, 15 years down the road.  We all did.

Friends reached out and where there for support.Thank you.  Tweeps who reached out with dm’s, personal stories of their own horrible tragedies, and kind thoughts and supports, you were a saving grace during those 2a.m. breastfeeding sessions when I truly felt alone.

The emotions are still raw, and they will be for many years to come.  I am so proud that we have already raised enough funds to purchase a dressing room in his name at the new community centre.  My brother wore hockey skates the moment he could walk.  I am so proud of everything my brother was from the inside out.  But, I am so devastated that the circle of life hits you when its least expected.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my brother or shed a tear.  What a wonderful brother.  Daniel we love you. xo

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14 Responses to “The Post I Wish I Never Had To Write…..”

  1. lilbunnyrabbitz October 26, 2010 at 2:15 am #

    I am so sorry that you lost your brother, that you had to write this post. It is clear how much you all loved him and miss him. He will live on in your lives and your lil boy’s life through your memories and the community centre.

  2. Somekindofmom October 26, 2010 at 2:20 am #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Being a mother definitely changes your perspective on life and loss.

  3. julia October 26, 2010 at 2:33 am #

    so sorry for your loss. i couldn’t imagine losing a sibling. i pray you guys get the answers you need and that God will give you blessings and love in this hard time.

  4. Rebecca October 26, 2010 at 2:35 am #

    No, you should never have had to write this. It’s unfair and I am so sorry you and your family are living through this.

    We are here for you. sending you warm thoughts and prayers

  5. Loukia October 26, 2010 at 2:47 am #

    I am so very sorry. This post made me cry. My thoughts continue to be with you at this terribly difficult time, Amanda. You’ve been strong and you’re a great mom. There are no words. Many hugs.

  6. Ann B (annbac9) October 26, 2010 at 3:46 am #

    Hugs to you and your family.

  7. Crystal October 26, 2010 at 1:00 pm #

    I wish I had the right words… words that could ease your pain, words that could explain why, words that would majically make it all better. Instead I know that there is nothing I can say that would truly make the pain go away. Know that I’m here for you if you want to talk or cry anytime, thinking of you offend. Hugs

  8. Melissa October 26, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    My thoughts have been with you. I can’t imagine losing my little brother in such a tragic and unexpected manner. 😦

  9. angela ( jhscrapmom ) October 26, 2010 at 4:14 pm #

    thank you for sharing amanda.

  10. Annie @ PhD in Parenting October 26, 2010 at 6:19 pm #

    ((hugs))

    I’m crying as I read this. I’m so sorry Amanda. It isn’t fair.

    • namastemommy October 28, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

      oh Annie, you are right….sometimes life is just not fair.

  11. Mrs. Cline October 26, 2010 at 6:28 pm #

    I’m new here, but wanted to offer my condolences. I’m so, so sorry to hear about Daniel. It’s just not fair.

    Thinking of you.

    Natalie

    • namastemommy October 28, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

      Welcome to my blog! thanks so much for your condolences.

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